Sirens

I hate the sound of sirens. Used to not bother me. Pull over, hope they get to where they are going safely, and move on with the day. Now, I feel like I can hear the sirens from far away, and as soon as I hear the sound, I have to tell myself not to panic, and not to cry. Every time. I guess you don't really know or understand until you go thru something that changes your life. And then you are never the same.

June 2, 2004. It started off as such an incredible day. We were in Lake Havasu and my brother and sister in law along with 2 of their children were there, my uncle Richie and 3 of his boys, my 'nana', myself, my 2 girls, and my mom. We decided that after a long day of moving furniture into our vacation home, we were going to go out and enjoy the lake. We left to go rent a waverunner for the day, and left my mom and nana at home. After we got the waverunner, we found a place to hang out. I left to go get my mom, and everyone else stayed to enjoy the sun. On the way back to the lake, an ambulance zoomed by. My mom sucked in her breath, as she always did when that happens. I remember telling her "Mom, it doesn't mean it's someone we know. You always do that." We continued our way to our family. When we arrived, I remember asking how long my Uncle had been out on the waverunner. The adults were taking turns with the kids out on it. My brother told me he had been out for a while and that my uncle was a little nervous to go out since he had never rode before. He had one of his sons and my nephew with him. As time kept going by, we started to get a little nervous. What if they turned it over and can't get back? What if he got lost? What if now they ran out of gas? What if he hit a boat??? Shortly after nervousness turned to sheer worry, the boys came running up to us. RUNNING up to us. Why? Why were they not swimming to us? How did they get on land, but not near us? And then almost at the same time, a cop came to us and asked if we were with the people on the waverunner. There has been an accident and we needed to follow him to the hospital. All of us ran to the car after throwing our stuff together and followed. No details were given to us. What kind of accident? Why were the boys not with him? Was he seriously injured? What was wrong???? You know, as you go thru the motions, you are trying to give yourself answers to questions that you really don't have answers to, and you don't think logically. Afterwards, you think "I should have known". But at that moment, you just don't think.

Once we arrived at the hospital, we all ran into the waiting room. I remember trying to sit the boys down so we could go find out what was going on. As I turned to go with my mom and brother, the doctor had come out of the ER. I walked up just as he was telling my mom that my uncle didn't make it. He had suffered a massive heart attack. I remember my mom's face, her motions. She was in her bathing suit which seemed so out of place in the hospital. She had a wide brim straw hat on and I just remember seeing that hat turn to fall on my brother's shoulder as she broke into sobs. I instantly thought of the boys and didn't know how much they heard. As I ran over to them, it was clear that they knew. I think that they already did long before we did. They huddled together as brothers and started to grieve for their beloved father....a single father that had been bringing up his boys full time. What were they going to go thru now? Their dad was all they knew.

After a few minutes, I realized that my nana was back at our house, completely unaware of the last 20 minutes. Someone had to go tell her. Who was going to offer to do that? This was HER baby boy. They lived together, raising the boys together. They took care of each other. Who was going to tell her?? I decided that I needed to do it for my mom. She wasn't going to have the strength to go to her mom and tell her. So my sister in law Connie drove me over as I started to make phone calls to the 4 brothers. I remember my Uncle Mike. He just didn't hear me. He didn't WANT to hear what I was saying. My cousin had to take the phone and ask what was going on. I was crying and trying not to. More phone calls as we made our way. Once we arrived, I remember trying to gather my own composure. I couldn't go in sobbing like I was. So I prayed for strength to get me thru one of the most difficult things I knew I had to do. I will never forget having to sit Nana down on the couch, trying to tell her just as delicately as I could. It broke my heart. Her grief will be branded into a painful memory forever in my mind. She left the room and I found her in the garage, sobbing on my car, hands folded, head bent and just great sobs leaving her body. It was heart wrenching.

Later, you realize that the cop never had his lights on when we went to the hospital. That is when you realize that they already knew but just couldn't officially tell us. Had we been thinking clearly, maybe we could have prepared. But can you ever REALLY prepare for something like that?

Now, even today, sirens can bring me to tears. Those memories come flooding back. As loud as the sirens are in my head, so are the memories. I don't like what it could mean for a family like mine, the pain and the agony that someone may go thru. I hate the sound of sirens.