Just another Surgery

People deal with so many things in their lives--the good, the bad, the ugly, the joyful, the amazing. All rolled up into this miracle of life. And so as I sit and think about tomorrow, I have many emotions, and they are mixed. I start with the 'great, another surgery' feeling. Brody's first surgery, but not the first for this mom. Now, I have had quite a few surgeries in my lifetime. Thankfully, nothing too serious. But I'm not thinking about those. I'm thinking about the ones I go thru as a MOM, watching my children go thru surgeries. Amanda had the same surgery that Brody will have tomorrow, but she was about 4 years older. The 'simple' T & A (did they name that on PURPOSE?)--tonsils and adenoids. Now I know that this used to be done even more so years ago, but anytime your child has to be 'put to sleep' with medicine and cut open is a bit scary. There are always risks. So now here goes my little man, only 3 years old, going in for his first surgery. And as he does, I can't help but be brought back to 8 years ago, when my little girl had to have her first surgery. But hers was not of the simple type, no. And since then, she has had to have 2 more surgeries--one for a lump in her wrist, the other for a lump under her arm. Thankfully, just simple removals and nothing more from there. But nothing has come close to the surgery 8 years ago when she had to have open heart surgery. How, as a mom, do you even try to prepare yourself for that??? There is no preparation. Back before her surgery, I thought I had been doing pretty good. Then, just 2 days before the scheduled date, it actually hit me. Hard. Then I realized...I wasn't 'dealing' with anything up until that point. I was stuffing any type of emotion so that I didn't have to think about it or deal with it. Have you done that before? I'm known as a 'stuffer' in my family. I was raised with the direction of my father of "Stop crying before I give you something to cry about." You learn to 'stuff' emotions pretty good (I mean, have you seen my Dad???). So I was just stuffing all the pain, the nervousness, the concern, the panic that I was feeling. And then BAM! It hits you because now you have to deal with it. I think this is when you see people finally just break down. They are forced to deal with something that they had probably just not wanted to. So I hit my wall. I lost it. I mean, come on....open heart surgery on a 2 year old?? Then the doctor explains to you what will happen. And even though I knew she was going in for it, I had never really thought it through. So now I get to hear about the machine that will keep my daughter alive for several hours, the blood donations that we made and how they will use those due to the loss of her own blood, the fact that they have to saw open her chest and will try to leave her with a scar that doesn't show too bad. Oh, forgot the scar--let's worry about all the other things I just heard. It reduces you to a small ball curled up in your bed, praying and crying, and asking why her?? It is one of the scariest events that I have ever gone thru. And I would have jumped up on that table and taken her place in a split second, if I could have. And then after surgery--no better. Your daughter laying there, can't move because of the risk of her wires allowing her chest to come open. seriously??? The tubes sticking out of her belly, draining the blood that is collecting in her little bitty chest. The medicine that we have to hold her down for to make her take. And her not understanding what is going on. It was one of the most traumatic things in my entire life (probably THE most traumatic). And you feel helpless as a Mom. You want so badly to make it better for her and you can't. You just have to wait for her to heal. And time does heal all wounds. I know that. But during that healing process, you feel so much heartache yourself.

I am thankful that we haven't gone thru worse. I know that is possible. People deal with worse situations than that all the time. Amazing the strength we all have inside of us. And I've been lucky and fortunate that Katelyn is healthy today. Repeat surgery probably some day, but for now...she is healthy and without many limitations. I'm thankful that I've been able to take the time to be with my children during these times, without the stress or worry of the 'job'. I do have many things to be thankful for. So I don't miss that point, either.

So, Brody's surgery is considered 'minor' to what we have already gone thru. That I am also very thankful for. Last year when the doctor heard a murmur in Brody, I instantly went into tears, heart racing, and panic. Thankfully, Brody does not have the same condition as Katelyn. But he still has to have surgery and I feel like saying "another surgery, ok." I guess you would think that you become used to it, maybe even immune to it, but I don't think a Mom ever will. Too many memories, too much pain to ever think that anything could be 'just another surgery'.